Because we had to keep up the pretense for the benefit of my in-law's neighbors in Durango, Mexico, Trish and i went on a honeymoon to the first beach we came to going west until we came to the Pacific Ocean; we just had to drive over the Sierra Madre Occidental, which is a gorgeous mountain range, to get to the beach.
Instead of waiting to find out when Trish's appointment at the U.S. consulate would be, to get married, we set a date and let the chips fall.... When we got back to Durango from the honeymoon, the letter with the appointment was waiting for her; the date was three weeks away, so we decided i would come back to Texas and in three weeks go back and meet her in Monterrey. I did not leave right away, so we just spent about 18 days apart. This may be starting to sound trivial, but i'm telling this story so i can talk about my in-law's neighbors, a really fun bunch. So, this is what would typically happen: the neighbor would show up at the house and be surprised to see Trish there; Pati, what are you doing here? they would ask, and she would explain. The neighbor would then give Trish a forlorn look, sit her down, take her hand, and tell her that things would turn out for the best.
This goes on a few days until finally Trish says: what is the matter with everbody?
She then finds out that just about everyone in the neighborhood had heard a story that someone had heard from a friend, who'd heard it from a friend, about
some guy from the U.S. who comes to Durango, woos and marries an unsuspecting virgin; after the honeymoon, he has to go back to the U.S., but promises to return... Of course, the story does not have a happy ending, the guy is never heard from again, the girl is ruined forever. Eventually, some did come out and say it to her face: they thought that that's what i was doing. Oh yee of little faith....
After 20 years, some of which have been horrible for us because of who we are, some because of life's crap, which is thrown upon everyone, i know very little about marrige. I have an opinion and some comments which i will share; they are not based on any faith, my faith is in my relationship with Trish because i have seen it evolve from nothing into something i know is not indistructable, but will not easily be toppled, either.
So, i think of marrige as being like flying machines, but before the Wright brothers. I think most of us strap on wings to our arms, stand on that cliff, say: I do, and jump together. It gets tiresome after a while; it's work, all that flapping. We do something wrong and then someone has to flap even harder, it get's even more tiring. Why is it so surprising that so many crash and burn? What we need is the Wright brothers of marrige; someone who'll get the aerodynamics and the physics right and give us the formula.
I'm still surprised when Trish tells me about talking and dealing with most Hispanic women that she meets. Anytime they ask her if she can do something with them, volunteer or go out to eat, anything that involves leaving the house, Trish will usually say yes without hesitation; and they will usually say: are you sure, don't you need to ask your husband's permission? And even when talking to her sisters in Mexico, when Trish talks about girls night out or lunches and banquets with hispanic groups that she has to attend without me, they inevitably ask if it doesn't make me angry or jealous; you'd think they'd know me by now. Even if it did make me angry or jealous, it wouldn't give me the right to stop her from doing the things she enjoys. And yes, she has to attend these functions without me because i refuse to go; i'm an introvert and i'm no good at small talk and i don't care about all these awards that Hispanics want to give each other. I know, it's about supporting her interests, but i don't ask her to support my interests, so we're even. I mean, if i can ever get enough people together to burn Glen Beck in effigy, i don't expect her to be there by my side, unless she really wants to. And it's not like i'm telling her not to go, on the contrary, i say you go girl! and if she wants to get all painted up, looking all fetching, i say you go girl! i'll be here when you get back. If we first cannot be our individual selves, how can we be happy as part of a couple?
And yes it has been a problem for us, we are very different people; we grew up in different countries, for heaven's sake; it's frustrating for Trish not to be able to make me into the social person she wants me to be; but, i think it makes our
relationship interesting. And let's face it people, we're talking about one of the most difficult challenges most of us will have in our lives, interesting is not bad.
The best advice i ever heard about marrige was from Trish's uncle Miguel, at our wedding, who told us: never lose respect for one another, because without respect for each other, it's all over. That advice and the importance of keeping a sense of humor will be my advice to all my children, whether they decide to marry or live with someone without benfit of clergy. I just think that making things legal and putting on a big, expensive show for your family and neighbors is trivial compared to the relationship.
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